a tiny retreat

i’m gonna check myself into one of the hotels for a small little retreat tomorrow. i’m really really feeling the stress levels and have everything up my neck.

i cannot believe that im still surfing around for work related stuff at this hour, have plans to scour the island for some items that i need before lunch tomorrow even though i have physio sesh in the morning, a photo shoot at FES at 10.30am, and have to check in by 2pm at the hotel. and i left the office at almost 8.30pm today, without finishing the stuff i had to do cos i didnt have a key and the person with the key needs to leave.

urgh.

this is bad right? totally unhealthy i know. i popped over to the hospital to check on grandma. she doesnt look quite good.. despite the medication to ease her pain.. she’s struggling somehow still. i am wondering if she’s struggling to wait for everyone else she knows to visit her at the hospital, before letting her lids rest. she’s hanging on so tightly that even the huge morphine doses and the medication to make her drowsy didnt work and she was awake every other minute.

my brother hasnt visited her yet. he’s away for reservist and a field camp. i wondered if anyone else in the family hasnt seen her yet. sigh.

it’s weird really. despite me feeling depressed and knowing that the end is inevitable.. i couldnt bring myself to talk/touch her. i dont know what to say, dont know where to start. all i could manage was a meek “ah mah”. the many years between us.. my childhood without her at all.. i feel so distant.

i know i should spend all the time i can with her and make her feel good.. but its just an empty hollow feeling that i dont even know how to describe. i just hope that my presence will make her feel better already.

life is so vulnerable.