i dont believe this.

i dont find the urge to blog (yes, im blogging but only b’cos im force myself to keep snippets of my thoughts). i read entries all over but, much like i love to, i lost the urge to comment. i dont know why, i have become a stealth reader, else some short comments randomly for a couple.

i feel drained.

i am chicken. i pull out of the interview scheduled tomorrow at tuas. i am in no mood to churn out reports for some co. that i dont think i want to work for. i dont want to pull my damn arse outta the bed before 6am to attend an interview at 9am. i dont forsee me wanting to work in tuas, ever. lastly, i dont want to waste the cab fares to and from the office for the interview, since my interest is minimal ever since i heard abt it. i called this morning and lied that i already got a job offer. blatantly.

my mood sucks. i wish i could have wei around me constantly to cheer me up, lighten my mood and bring me smiles.

and I HATE ULCERS! they are such a painful thing ok? worse than having braces, even tho braces sometimes does give u small little ulcers. worse than having the wisdom tooth plucked out. at least i ate chickie wings 3 hrs after my wisdom tooth extraction surgery, but i cant fucking eat anything the whole of today without pain. even talking is a chore. drinking is an arse.

ok. i usually have a high tolerance for pain. but the ulcer is really irritating the shit outta me. i had medication on it for a few days now, as often as i can apply. not only it’s not healing, it’s getting BIGGER and the whole area ard it is sore and red.

my mood sucks. i cant make it out if its panic (havent started jap test), frustration (keep getting interviews but not the type of co i wanna work for), unrest (a whole list of to-do stuff, but cant seemed to find the time), pms or if it’s just the heat getting to me.

even retail therapy doesnt work for me today. met wwenzz + pishako for the private isetan sale. i cant even find anything to BUY. which is extremely, unusual.

reading does a thing for me. and i borrowed 3 books from the lib. today. something i havent done for ages. just added to the list of book to read, which i havent had the time for.

but, i still read. makes me totally at peace and lost in another world. study jap i should, but read i want.

urgh! i wanna SCREAM!!!!!!

tomorrow – collect cheque from ex co, see the doc (forgot today cos lost in reading), interview at late afternoon, dinner with angela before hitting the wake for shannon’s granny

sat – the only full day left to mug for jap

sun – loopedbusrides‘s wedding, meeting up with primary school friends

mon – jap test

tues – interview in early morning

so many things i wanna do.. sort out the stacks of name cards from previous workplace, unpack the boxes of personal stuff lugged back from previous workplace, clean the room, sort out the room, read papers, send resumes, change my blog layout..

my mind is constantly reminding myself i have a lot to do, so little time. like a frantic race. i am, but a crippled now.

swimming keeps popping into my head. when will my leg recover? every time i make too quick an action, the pain jolts me to reality. i am frustrated not being able to walk as fast as i used to. frustrated i cant catch the train before it moves off. frustrated that i dont know what implications i might have in the future.

yet, i keep pushing it to the limit. i want to be normal.

i think i am breaking down.