emo emo ride..

i don’t know if its my sickness (constant coughing that’s making me feel pukey) or if its the tiredness that my body is feeling.. i feel so down today again.

at work, i felt lethargic and whoever’s left in the office today commented that i don’t look too good. i don’t feel the usual chirpy-ness when i reach the office. trudged through a day of battling work, decided on an impromptu dinner with brandon to make myself a little happier..

and guess what? i bit the bullet and went to get my fate, all thanks to brandon’s persuasion. ok. ok. he didn’t really persuade me. i just needed to find someone to shift the blame. 😛 bran, you’ll understand rite? 😉

but.. but.. strangely enough, it didn’t managed to cheer my mood. i think i am in a state of confusion. a little like identity crisis. like distinctively knowing what’s your role, but is being blurred by the events that took place and the people around you. the things they say, the way they act, the things they ask you to do. sometimes, i look at it and feel im very much in the trusted circle.. but then again, why am i in there when i should be out?

from the state of confusion, i went into anger. angry at why certain things are happening. angry at the stuff i am EXPECTED to do. angry at people’s perception of what’s my responsibility. amusement at why i should follow the funeral procedures. i very much want to say out loud,’elo? i am not part of the family eh?’

i sold my freedom on an invisible contract. for a freaking week. for someone who values her personal space extremely extremely much, it’s really a huge move and now, i gotta share a bed with a stranger. i. don’t. think. i. can. do. it.

I want to grab all my things and scramble downstairs and hop on a cab on my way home!! the reason why i am still blogging at this hour and NOT sleeping to rest my sick bod.. is i cannot bring myself to sleep. what i initially thought was staying in the house and keeping her company… with her in her room and me in his room, doors shut kinda thing. but no. she has decided to sleep in his room with me, and the initial thoughts of having her own mattress was thrown away and she has decided to share the bed with me.

i wanna SCREAM! *ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*

i don’t think i can sleep tonight. maybe i’ll hug cookie and sleep on the floor. maybe i wont sleep at all. can you tell i am SERIOUSLY freaking out.

the worst thing about me? i don’t know how to say no. especially to his mum. 🙁 who can i blame but myself?

and i’m still wondering where i can put on my work clothes and make-up and yet, feel comfortable tomorrow morning. this is a serious infringement of my privacy. urgh. i should seriously stop complaining. maybe i should sneak out later when she’s sound asleep and join the mahjong sesh downstairs. maybe i should just keep blogging non stop. a thousand nonsensical maybes.

alrighty. i haven’t bathe. make myself nice smelling first.. and plaaaaaaaaaaaaaay with cookie before deciding what to do.