General

feeling and being appreciative is an option.

this post is inspired by a close girlfriend of mine. she seemed to be rather unhappy about her marriage and sore with the husband and that ever since kids came along, the husband doesnt pay her as much attention as the kids and she feels neglected. so much so that she’s considering marriage counseling.

i mean. that came as a shock to me. i know she does complains occasionally (com’on, who doesnt?!) but to consider going for marriage counseling speaks depths about her unhappiness. and i only found out because she read my blog posts and texted the husband to say that he’s damn sweet to me (with the recent happenings) and blessed that i am appreciative of his efforts and all. she wished his husband was half like him.

thing is, as a bystander.. i think she’s rather blessed!!

there is a chinese saying that goes like.. 你看我好,我看你好.. which is very loosely translated as one always think that others are doing better than them.

to me, she’s in a perfect marriage. she married her high school sweetheart (how many people can do that these days), has a husband that provides for the family and she can be a SAHM without a worry about monetary issues, stays in a huge landed house, has 2 lovely kids. sure looks like a perfect picture right? well, as i found out, apparently not.

thing is, my blog post may paint a rosy picture of my life and you may even envy me (i’m not sure what it is to the readers out there actually, because i just blog whatever that comes to mind though i do make a conscious effort to keep out the negatives or lock them away). nobody knows it, but i am envying many others at the same time too and she is one of those lucky folks whom i think is very very blessed without the need to worry about monetary issues even though she has 2 kids.. but, i try not to compare and dont voice that over my blog.. because it will never be the same and can never be. each individual is different, each family is different, each marriage union is different, and one can only look at its own surroundings and try to improve the situation accordingly. being envious will bring us nowhere, except unhappiness from being sore about it.

over the years, i have learnt that being appreciative is a choice, not a given. i choose to feel that way, i make sure i feel appreciative of the little things done for me, and acknowledge them (so that i can in turn receive more). its the same for marriage. its been nearly 2 years since we tied the knot, we went through loads of quarrels, fights, disagreements, disappointments, and cold wars, but i try not to document them in this blog of mine if i could help it. i choose to jot down only the happy memories when i can so that i only get reminded of the happy incidents and feel blessed.

and i always believe that in marriage, the 2 individuals need to communicate, communicate, and communicate. there’s nothing better between 2 person to keep communicating their needs to each other so that they can know what each other wants, desire. people change all the time. today i like sunflowers, tomorrow, i would prefer blue roses instead. i may know it, but would my spouse know? marriage is not about a guessing game and it never will be. It’s built on mutual understanding and respect. it’s not easy, and sometimes, one may say.. i can’t find the correct time. he doesnt want to hear. he brushes me off. my advice is.. keep trying till you get the message through, and use various means. leave a calendar reminder in his phone. put post-it notes in his wallet. send him smses. send him a post card. send him an email. book his time for a chat session. (yeah, im showing my bag of tricks, but if this does help anyone at all, i’ll be most glad).

der’s going to kill me, but he is no where near perfect. to me, he’s quite boring.. not romantic, has bad taste in flowers (oh no, he’s really gonna axe me), bad taste in restaurants and dining outlets, doesnt get my obvious hints in the presents i want or the trips that i want to go on.. presents me with expensive presents that i dont give a hoot about. and it just got to a point where i had to blatantly tell him..

plan me a surprise. i think you should send me flowers to make my day when im upset. your flowers are ugly, cant you send nicer ones? i want a trip for my birthday/christmas etc. maybe you can consider giving me chunky accessories for my birthday. the list goes on..

and that’s when he learns. he may not plan me a surprise at the first occasion. but i keep my spirits up and kept reminding him through my disappointments and today, he’s so much better. he learns with each mistake and improve, because i give feedback on whatever happened. if i dont like what i am seeing, i make sure i say it… because i am not going to live with that for the rest of our lives in the marriage. it would make me sore over time, and one day.. just one day.. i will explode and that will make things harder to amend.

of cos, i am not the perfect wife either. but between der and me, we always make sure we let our feelings known to each other. we throw the unhappiness aside (if any) and work things out and decide how best to move forward. it takes time, things doesnt happen over night. and we are constantly trying to iron out issues all the time and tackle the new ones that comes along.

i guess that’s what makes the relationship interesting, isn’t it?

what i am trying to tell my girlfriend is, keep trying. my marriage isnt a rosy picture at all. im sure everyone also face the same issues in their marriage. don’t give it up. don’t think that the hubby would brush you aside if you say anything. if he does, repeat your concerns and show that you mean it. be a parrot. someday, somehow, the drilling will get in to him. if you want something real bad, you gotta show it and express yourself. he’s really a nice guy and im sure he loves you loads, maybe he just doesnt know how to express himself instead. maybe, he chooses to show it over the kids thinking that a warm family will be what makes you tick. he’s just the type that feels that he should provides (monetarily) and that would make his wife happy. if that’s not what you want, you just gotta tell him.

meanwhile, the hubby says he is going to turn counsellor to her husband. 🙂

Hi there! Thanks for popping by. I'm Cherie, a ftwm (full-time working mum) to 3 lovely kids (2 boys & a princess) and my motto in life is to BE HAPPY. Sure, life isn't all that smooth but it's the mentality that counts, no? This blog documents my life. Or rather, snippets of my life that has passed me by. I love capturing life memories in the blog and being able to read back and laugh at myself (or anyone). I love to eat (A LOT), travel and paint my own nails so the blog is mostly about that. Is that considered lifestyle? Of cos, the family is also very much an integral part of me so there would be loads of memories about the husband and my kids - Jerry (9yo), Jerome (7yo) and Leia (2.5yo) and everyone else that's close to me. I like documenting the kids' milestones, their growing up years, their achievements (and sometimes, mine), and my struggles and battles with motherhood. It sure ain't easy. I love seeking out good food and travelling, is trigger-happy, love new gadgets, love exploring new places and strives to live life to the fullest. I aspire to travel the world as much as I can, to soak in the different sights across the various continents and visit all the Disneylands in the world (almost there!). Have fun reading and do drop me a comment to say hi! Love, Cherie Lim Find me on Instagram.

7 Comments

  • amazinglystill

    agree agree agree! couldn’t agree more. i keep all the negative thoughts i have away from my journal as well cos i don’t want to be reminded of unhappiness. i want to be reminded of all the good things in my life, to remind myself that i have a very loving family on a very bad day.

    every household has its own share of troubles. that’s one thing we all have to learn. there’s no such thing as a picture perfect family. it will take time to come to terms with that though, because everyone puts up beautiful moments in their lives online. haha.

    as for the husband part, i fully agree too! must really spell it out to husbands! this year, i didn’t plan a birthday party for myself, neither did i tell my husband what i wanted.. end up.. no cake, no special celebration, just a lot of my favourite yummy food for dinner. hahahaha! well, at least he knows everything with me can be made up with, with yummy yummy food, right? 😛

  • Anonymous

    Totally agree!

    You are spot on for the part that husbands really need to be told what works better on their wives.
    We are constructed so differently that we think and act so differently.

    To share, I was pretty upset when my husband didn’t react the way I expected him to after telling him exactly what to do. Apparently he did not quite get what I mean and was afraid that asking more will make me even sadder.

    He showed me new perspectives of viewing matters and I have since learn to not jump into conclusions. But, instead, be more patient and forward in expressing myself. I encouraged him to share his feelings with me as well so that together, we can both improve our relationship.

    Guessing-game shouldn’t be played too often in marriage…it will eventually wear both persons out.

    • cherieladieblogs

      Re: Totally agree!

      hi there! thanks for sharing your experiences.

      yes. it’s already taxing enough to survive in our cut-throat world, i think the last thing we want is to go home and face the closest person and yet have to deal with another set of issues. 🙂

    • cherieladieblogs

      Hi Felicia,

      Thanks for dropping by! 🙂

      The LJ commenting system doesnt have a name column but i got your name alright!

      I agree on the keep trying part, and maintaining a positive attitude! 🙂

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