i am staring at the screen for like the looooongest time, and i have no clue how to pen down the thoughts i had in my head.

i feel like a bad mother-to-be today.

i went to see the gynae today and its seems that jerry is a little too small than he is supposed to be at week 37. the gynae sounded a little concerned, but he was telling me that it may be a good thing because it means it’s easier to give birth since its a smaller baby. i’m not sure if he was just trying to encourage me and assuring me that everything will be fine.

he’s currently 2.2kg only, only 400grams more than the last visit which was more than 3 weeks back despite the fact that i have been consistently putting on weight (am weighing 62.1kg, 2 kg more than the last visit). why is he so tiny? is it because he is too active (hence burns up the fats too fast).. or is it because i havent been eating right? or have i not eaten enough (thought i did, but the boy also commented that i puke quite a bit)? have i been working too hard and clocking in too many late nights at work and not watching my health (and eating on time) and ensuring that i have enough rest so that the baby would grow better? or was it the fact that i haven’t been religiously consuming the multi-vits and the fish oil daily that i am supposed to.

is the baby ok? is the umbilical cord blocked or something that he is not able to receive as much nutrients.. or….

a dozen questions in my head. and i have not a single answer to.

and i thought the baby would be growing faster these days because i have been waking up hungry in the middle of the night and taking in food like i did during the first tri.

i was put on the CTG machine to monitor the fetal heartbeat for 20 mins, and was so nervous during the process that i keep asking der to tell me the heartbeat rate on the machine.. while he was happily occupied with his game on his ipad during the entire process.

almost all sources – websites, books, pregnancy app on my phone tells me that my baby should be around 3kg and 2.2kg just seemed so far off..

but it seems.. the fetal heartbeat is fine, and i was told to come back for another check next week. i hope he’ll be fine..

//

my dear jerry,

my little kicker and active boy. maybe you should sleep more and not kick mummy so much so that you will grow fatter and put mummy at ease. could you absorb all the good nutrients and stop making mummy eat the ice creams, chocolates and fries that are all empty carbohydrates? mummy don’t want to be fat, i just want a fat jerry. be a good boy kies?

see you soon, but not until you are a fatty.


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