Because something’s gotta go.

I know the silence here is a little alarming. If you have been constantly checking my blog and wondering if there is a new entry, I’m sorry to have disappoint in the past month or so. I just, somewhat went downhill with my mojo on blogging.

I feel like a broken record by repeating this constantly – I’m too tired. I’m too busy. No time.

I don’t know how best to bring it across, but the above is true. I somewhat lost it after trying to keep it together for a while. Work got super busy with the recent change of scope and I barely had the time to talk to my husband and kids. My energy levels have been in the dumps and even the housework got neglected and the poor husband was picking up after me. I didn’t help, because I couldn’t. I was trying struggling to survive. As a worker bee. As a mother. As a wife. As with everything in my life.

I thought about the situation rationally and wondered what I could change to make things better. Could I change my job? Probably. Is it the industry? Definitely. Could I work any faster? Maybe not. Was the workload really too much? Sometimes. Or not really, but requires time. Do I have the time? Not really. Can I pass it on? There’s nobody else.

The questions just went on and on in my head all day, but I honestly didn’t have an answer to it. I just spent everyday trying to survive and to stay sane, and retain whatever bit of happiness that I have to stay sane and not burnout. I even tried seeking help from friends and fellow colleagues.. and one of them told me this.

“Something’s gotta go. You just have to let go of something and not hang on to it all.” 

Some wise words. Do I already know? Subconsciously, maybe that’s a yes.

In the past month, I stopped breastfeeding altogether. It was something that I struggled with. I wanted to hang on to it for as long as possible, partly because I don’t think I’ll ever have kids again (the husband only wants 1 kid and I already got more than i bargained for). I had wanted to hang on to it so as to give the kid the best… but, life got the better of me. When I was solo-parenting on the week der went to work overseas, I was so tired… I simply concussed before I could even start to express milk. And then it happened again and again after that and my heart grieved a little, knowing that its pointless to hang on anymore. So i stopped (more of that if I do get to write a post on that).

And then.. I neglected the blog. Because, I started feeling that the kids were getting a lot more needy. It was frustrating and I was constantly angry with them because I had so much to do and so little time. One day, I snapped. and then, I realized.. It’s a vicious cycle. I hadn’t spent much time with them, hence the extra neediness on their end, and then it became my issue because I was so frustrated with them. And it just went on and on and on.

I stopped spending time with my computer, and started spending time with them, with the husband and catching up on the sleep. And boy, I slept A LOT! Every pocket of spare time, I just slept. It just shows how bone tired I was. Mentally, I think I was super drained as well, so I just need to do NOTHING.

Mostly, I wanted to enjoy life. Enjoy the moment. I didn’t want to care about anything else.

Today, I’m feeling a little better but I am still thinking how I can balance out everything better. Lately, I have been putting my leave to use, just to spend the day sleeping away and resting, and just spending time with myself. Because I so badly need it. I just needed to not worry about anything and finding back myself. Only then, I can go a little further, hang on a little longer, and be a little more sane.

And hey, don’t worry too much about me because I’ll be good. My mantra has always been “Life is all about being happy!” and I move in that direction all the time. It is just that, sometimes, things don’t go our way and this is just one of those “sometimes”.

It’ll pass. I just know it.