a little lost

im feeling terrible.. not cos of anything emotional, but more so physically. i was running a temperature on thursday night before i even got to the chalet and with the late night (i managed to crawl into bed only at 5.30am and waking an hr later!), it did me in.

i’m still suffering from a temperature with a full day of work yesterday, a full blown cold, terribly sore throat and a bad cough. my palette taste weird and swallowing my saliva is a pain. i couldn’t wait to head home and flop in bed the whole time when i was at work, but there was a christmas party and i happened to be the in-charge for the christmas deco competition and gingerbread house decoration competition, i just felt its my responsibility to stay and be there for the team.

when everything ended at 6.30pm.. did i head home straight? No.

i got a call from wei’s mum yesterday. despite the whole world telling me that i shouldn’t do what i did, i went ahead cos i just felt like wanting to do it. i bought presents for him, his mum and cookie. i got my courier to send over the presents cos i wasn’t sure if he’ll answer my calls yet and i don’t even want to try and cause myself unnecessary distress. and no. i am not expecting anything to happen. i just did it as a friend. and so, she called me to say thanks.. and gave me a piece of bad news. the dad is in hospital and in critical condition after an accident and complications on the head after a fall that the doctors failed to identify when he was first admitted. and now, he’s unconscious and the doctors have warned the family to be prepared.

ok. his mum didnt tell me all that. she only said the accident part, and in critical condition and have mentioned to me that there isnt any need for me to visit since we are no longer an item. but i have already made up my mind to visit since i know the hospital, and his dad’s name.

during the christmas party in the office, i got a missed call from him and a message to tell me about his dad and he had asked me to go see his dad for the last time. it’s the first time i heard from him after the breakup.

so despite feeling woozy with fever and feeling terrible, i cabbed down to see a teary-eyed him. i saw the dad and tried to call him to wake. there were some reactions, but it wasn’t enough to wake him. 🙁

didn’t really talk to him much (he was busy with relatives and friends visiting) but he have requested me to help him pick up his car from the house and some barangs. when i got to the car, i didn’t know what to react. the car safety charms that my mum and me gave him were no longer hanging there. the princess decal i pasted was gone. i should be expecting those, but i couldn’t help but feel affected.

back at his house, the room looked pretty much the same, and my cross stitches are still being hung up on his walls, but cookie don’t seem to recognise me anymore and went to hide under the sofa.

i am not extremely upset, but a little affected. it takes conditioning.. i keep telling myself.

the whole night, the brother was msging me to tell me to give the relationship a chance. he told me he had wished for us to get married some day. i didn’t know what to say, so i left the msg un-returned.

after dropping my stuff and a quick bath at my own house, i went back to the hospital and stayed till 1+am in the morning. i had wanted to stay and accompany him, but he had insisted i head home cos i was quite sick. during the whole time, i felt like giving him a huge hug and telling him everything is gonna be ok, but i didn’t..

he msged me good night when i got home. the first in the last 1 month. i didn’t know how to react.

for the first time, trying to be friends after a relationship is somewhat.. tough.