needing some ME time

i just stepped back home, after leaving for the wedding dinner yesterday evening.

the dinner was a little boring with only 4 other people whom i knew from our poly. i didn’t manage to salvage the fake lashes if you were wondering.. didnt bring the glue out, so i went to the toilet and pulled it out.

sat and chatted with jennifer’s colleagues instead.. and my! it’s quite stressful after that with tables of people peering and waving at me. queer experience i should say, and a queer (bisexual) waiter serving us so much alcohol and wine even though we didn’t want. all in all, i made a few friends and it was quite a nice experience..except that my stupid brand new tube dress is so loose that it keeps dropping! i had to keep tugging it the whole nite.

rushed to the hospital right after the wedding.. and i don’t know if it is right doing so. the moment i reached, everyone stared at my dressing.. then came this whole load of nonsense from his mum.

m: girl, why u dressed until like that?
me: oh, i attended a wedding earlier..
m: aiyo, why wear until like that stil come. come for what?!
me: … (decides to escape to toilet)
m: where u go?
me: toilet
m: girl, don’t sit ah! very dirty!
me: -_-”’
(came out from the toilet and took out my phone to reply some msg i received earlier..)
m: don’t call! cannot call!
me: *puzzled* (im in the handphone zone by the way)
m: dont call him! cannot call him now!!
me: im not calling him! im just checking my messages!!!
m: no! cannot message him also! dun disturb him!
me: (feeling really pissed already)
m: aiyo.. girl ah! u wear until like that ah.. not cold meh? wear until like that still come.. stand there for what? sit down lah..(continues her loud nagging in front of all the relatives)

i walked to the lift lobby, took the lift downstairs and disappeared for 1 hr, sobbing away. its so stressful can?! i know she might have meant well, i cannot stand the fact that i get to be scrutinised for everything single movement that i am doing and getting some negative comment for it. maybe its not what she said.. it’s HOW she said it.

why cant she be a little appreciative and thank for me rushing down from the wedding to be there? why cant she stopping ASSUMING what she thinks i am about to do and make an ass outta me? all i had wanted to do was to be there for him and lend some moral support for him to be strong. i really dont need those bloody comments and can’t she see it is extremely trying for everyone, having late nights for the last few days and keeping vigil at the hospital?

apparently she is pissing everyone else off.. and this is such a stark reminder why i don’t think i can stand it being in it in the first place. the moment she starts rattling her mouth off, i feel my blood pressure rising, the stress level increasing and me on the verge of going bonkers. i wonder if classical conditioning over the past years has caused that effect on me.

and no. my decision is still the same. i don’t want to be subjected to that ever again. how can i ever survive and be happy in a marriage when i feel that kind of stress level at the hospital? even his sister and brother are damn pissed off with her nonsense.. saying all the wrong things.

we left the hospital at abt 3+am cos everyone was dog tired and wei asked if its ok he send me to his house first. back in the house, after my bath, the hospital called and the whole gang of us rushed down again. his dad BP has dropped from 200+ to 95.. and the doc has told the family to be mentally prepared. it is unlikely that he will pull through..

we kept vigil till this morning. his dad BP is slowing rising, but still at the low 100+. i went to the car to sleep at 8+ and wei left the hospital at about 10+ when his relatives took over. and so, i slept the afternoon away on his bed and came straight home after i woke.

it been such a tough day that all i want to do now is stay at home and have some ME time. before i go crazy and lose my sanity again.

*breathes in… breathes out..*