Hitting a parenting low.
I have been quiet on this space. A lot more quieter than I would like actually. These days, a lot of thought go through my mind. Some of which I have solutions for, some of which, I am completely helpless at.
I think I am very good at doing one thing – just grit my teeth and just trudging on.
The time doesn’t wait, and people just need to survive. Even though I am tired, the clock still ticks away. Even though I am sick from the lack of the sleep, the kids still need to eat/drink and interact with me. Even though I came home late and haven’t had my dinner, I still had to ensure I put them into bed.
This was last night this morning. The kids is still refusing to sleep after me trying to put them into bed for 2 hours. They each drank at least 2 bottles of milk, they rolled in bed. They played catching in the dark. They were scolded, they were spanked, they were separated into different bedrooms, they were crying one minute and laughing the next. They are obviously enjoying the company of each other, but the time was not right? My tempers flared, it is not pretty, and I just came home from work, have not bathed, have not eaten, and still troubleshooting work close to midnight.
What do I do? What CAN I do?
I was only short of giving them sleeping pills, which the household doesn’t have (and obviously, this is a metaphor statement so don’t take me seriously). The husband and me both hung around, both frustrated. He fuming, me with a chock-full of emotion ranging from gratitude (the kids wanting to play together), anger (at both the husband and the kids), helplessness (can the kids please sleep??), and doubting (had this happened if I came home from work earlier and spent time with them?).
I left them alone for a while in the dark and that happened. Watching fishes together. Right at that moment, I just wanted to capture them doing it, because it is a moment that I wanted to remember. That they shared this moment in the dark watching fishes together even though their parents are behind them, angry with them for not sleeping.
I don’t remember how the kids eventually slept. I remember it being a mental game – mentally fighting off my fatigue and trying to out-last them.
This morning, I don’t even remember that I haven’t eaten when the husband reminded me of the food in the fridge when he left the house. You see, I just go with the flow and just survive.
We don’t have a live-in help. When things get out of routine, its mayhem for me.
I constantly question myself if I am a good enough parent. I constantly ask myself if what I am doing is right. Am I doing the best I can to raise good kids? Can I do more to make them listen to me?
I don’t have the answers. I wished I had so that I can share, but I don’t. I just keep telling myself… kids are just kids. They will outgrow this phase soon and I should just chill and no point being angry with them.
As a kid, I just want to have fun so I am guessing they are probably the same. Sigh. Parenting is the hardest challenge that I ever set myself for, but don’t get me wrong. I love my kids to bits, and I have had so much joy with them around, but that just doesn’t mean that it is not challenging for me to be a parent.
Do you have the same thoughts as me sometimes? Do you often think you are a sub-par parent? I’m happy to hear your thoughts and feelings. Do leave me a comment and share. I believe I am not alone.
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Cherie
Hi there! Thanks for popping by. I'm Cherie, a ftwm (full-time working mum) to 3 lovely kids (2 boys & a princess) and my motto in life is to BE HAPPY. Sure, life isn't all that smooth but it's the mentality that counts, no? This blog documents my life. Or rather, snippets of my life that has passed me by. I love capturing life memories in the blog and being able to read back and laugh at myself (or anyone). I love to eat (A LOT), travel and paint my own nails so the blog is mostly about that. Is that considered lifestyle? Of cos, the family is also very much an integral part of me so there would be loads of memories about the husband and my kids - Jerry (9yo), Jerome (7yo) and Leia (2.5yo) and everyone else that's close to me. I like documenting the kids' milestones, their growing up years, their achievements (and sometimes, mine), and my struggles and battles with motherhood. It sure ain't easy. I love seeking out good food and travelling, is trigger-happy, love new gadgets, love exploring new places and strives to live life to the fullest. I aspire to travel the world as much as I can, to soak in the different sights across the various continents and visit all the Disneylands in the world (almost there!). Have fun reading and do drop me a comment to say hi! Love, Cherie Lim Find me on Instagram.
12 Comments
San
I feel you – especially the bedtime part and the kids NOT wanting to sleep. All I can say is… Hang in there!!! Take a deep breath and know that you are not alone in your bedtime struggle!
Cherie
HI!
Thanks for the encouraging note. I tried everything – books, lullaby, silence game etc and I don’t know why the kids just refuses to sleep sometimes. I secretly suspect that they want to clock in some play time with mummy, so despite being tired.. they struggle to stay awake. I feel really bad for working late on some days, but I can’t quite help it. Hopefully things get better soon.
Thank you for the note. It means so much to me..
Roanna
Hey babe, have you ever considered changing job? Another company that can perhaps offer more family-friendly hours? Maybe that might help you tackle the challenges of parenthood a little better? Don’t ever for a minute doubt your parenting skills. ALL of us, young/new/ inexperienced parents go through good times and bad ones too. When the day seems like it’s neverending, and the kids are making it tougher than it needs to be – I get really angsty too. Don’t lose sight babe – Like you quoted before “Never get so busy making a living, that you forget to make a life.” xx
Cherie
Hey Roanna!
Guess what? I actually switched teams you know? I enjoyed a few months of honeymoon before I get kicked back to do online marketing (*screams), and that’s where the nightmare starts…
Thanks for the reminder on the quote.. I kinda lost sight of it for a while.. and VERY NICE hearing from you. I am still stalking you on social media because your kids are so cute. 🙂
Qiu Xian
I feel you too. Sometimes my boys also just do not want to sleep at all. So I leave them be in the dark room while I just lie on the floor. Sometimes showered, sometimes not lol.. Yup hang in there! All these shall pass! I feel like I just crtl+c what San said but you know lar, you’re really not alone! hahahaha!
Cherie
Hi Qiu Xian,
I know exactly how you feel, because I am doing the same thing. But 90% of the time, I will just KO first. I do have the phobia though, since my kid fell of the bed once and has a long cut over his forehead and I am a little scared to just leave them alone.
Thanks for leaving me a note. It makes me feel a lot better reading that I am not alone.
henrytan
hmmmm. 2 bottles of milk still doesnt help? do they sleep in the evening? perhaps let them play as much as they could, active during the day, then at night only can sleep?
but again, hang on there! keep it up! u can do it! =D
Cherie
Hi Henry,
Yeah. 2 bottles of milk doesn’t quite put them into dreamland. My kids get very excited when they are together, and all they want is to play. I have to separate them too put them to bed successfully, but that means double the amount of time spent putting them to bed and it eats up all of me. Thanks for the encouragement.. I hope things get better soon!
Catherine
Me too, understand wat u are going thru. Questioning myself daily, am l good mum to my kids. Anything wrong with my parenting…, glad that im not alone after reading ur blogs
Cherie
Hi Catherine,
I somehow get the feeling that working mums somewhat cannot have the best of both worlds, no matter how hard we try. That said, I guess we just have to do our best and try to stay positive. Thanks for reading and dropping me a note. It means so much to me!
Serynn
You canNOT be a bad parent if you’re worrying about being a bad parent. 🙂 If that makes any sense.
I have not begun parenting yet (soon though… soon… >_< that troubles me more than labour pain in fact -_-) but I guess parenting is a life-long learning thing. No parent is perfect, nor will a parent ever be perfect, but we will learn as we go along. Parents will always have a different set of struggles as kids grow, in every phase.
Like everyone else said, you're not alone, and hang in there!!
Cherie
Hi Serynn,
Hee hee. Your comment made me laugh. Labour pain is easily forgotten, but with kids, there are a lot of pains that will forever be etched in your heart. Thanks for the encouraging note, and I know I just have to do my best. And yes, being a parent is forever a learning process. 🙂