feeling and being appreciative is an option.

this post is inspired by a close girlfriend of mine. she seemed to be rather unhappy about her marriage and sore with the husband and that ever since kids came along, the husband doesnt pay her as much attention as the kids and she feels neglected. so much so that she’s considering marriage counseling.

i mean. that came as a shock to me. i know she does complains occasionally (com’on, who doesnt?!) but to consider going for marriage counseling speaks depths about her unhappiness. and i only found out because she read my blog posts and texted the husband to say that he’s damn sweet to me (with the recent happenings) and blessed that i am appreciative of his efforts and all. she wished his husband was half like him.

thing is, as a bystander.. i think she’s rather blessed!!

there is a chinese saying that goes like.. 你看我好，我看你好.. which is very loosely translated as one always think that others are doing better than them.

to me, she’s in a perfect marriage. she married her high school sweetheart (how many people can do that these days), has a husband that provides for the family and she can be a SAHM without a worry about monetary issues, stays in a huge landed house, has 2 lovely kids. sure looks like a perfect picture right? well, as i found out, apparently not.

thing is, my blog post may paint a rosy picture of my life and you may even envy me (i’m not sure what it is to the readers out there actually, because i just blog whatever that comes to mind though i do make a conscious effort to keep out the negatives or lock them away). nobody knows it, but i am envying many others at the same time too and she is one of those lucky folks whom i think is very very blessed without the need to worry about monetary issues even though she has 2 kids.. but, i try not to compare and dont voice that over my blog.. because it will never be the same and can never be. each individual is different, each family is different, each marriage union is different, and one can only look at its own surroundings and try to improve the situation accordingly. being envious will bring us nowhere, except unhappiness from being sore about it.

over the years, i have learnt that being appreciative is a choice, not a given. i choose to feel that way, i make sure i feel appreciative of the little things done for me, and acknowledge them (so that i can in turn receive more). its the same for marriage. its been nearly 2 years since we tied the knot, we went through loads of quarrels, fights, disagreements, disappointments, and cold wars, but i try not to document them in this blog of mine if i could help it. i choose to jot down only the happy memories when i can so that i only get reminded of the happy incidents and feel blessed.

and i always believe that in marriage, the 2 individuals need to communicate, communicate, and communicate. there’s nothing better between 2 person to keep communicating their needs to each other so that they can know what each other wants, desire. people change all the time. today i like sunflowers, tomorrow, i would prefer blue roses instead. i may know it, but would my spouse know? marriage is not about a guessing game and it never will be. It’s built on mutual understanding and respect. it’s not easy, and sometimes, one may say.. i can’t find the correct time. he doesnt want to hear. he brushes me off. my advice is.. keep trying till you get the message through, and use various means. leave a calendar reminder in his phone. put post-it notes in his wallet. send him smses. send him a post card. send him an email. book his time for a chat session. (yeah, im showing my bag of tricks, but if this does help anyone at all, i’ll be most glad).

der’s going to kill me, but he is no where near perfect. to me, he’s quite boring.. not romantic, has bad taste in flowers (oh no, he’s really gonna axe me), bad taste in restaurants and dining outlets, doesnt get my obvious hints in the presents i want or the trips that i want to go on.. presents me with expensive presents that i dont give a hoot about. and it just got to a point where i had to blatantly tell him..

plan me a surprise. i think you should send me flowers to make my day when im upset. your flowers are ugly, cant you send nicer ones? i want a trip for my birthday/christmas etc. maybe you can consider giving me chunky accessories for my birthday. the list goes on..

and that’s when he learns. he may not plan me a surprise at the first occasion. but i keep my spirits up and kept reminding him through my disappointments and today, he’s so much better. he learns with each mistake and improve, because i give feedback on whatever happened. if i dont like what i am seeing, i make sure i say it… because i am not going to live with that for the rest of our lives in the marriage. it would make me sore over time, and one day.. just one day.. i will explode and that will make things harder to amend.

of cos, i am not the perfect wife either. but between der and me, we always make sure we let our feelings known to each other. we throw the unhappiness aside (if any) and work things out and decide how best to move forward. it takes time, things doesnt happen over night. and we are constantly trying to iron out issues all the time and tackle the new ones that comes along.

i guess that’s what makes the relationship interesting, isn’t it?

what i am trying to tell my girlfriend is, keep trying. my marriage isnt a rosy picture at all. im sure everyone also face the same issues in their marriage. don’t give it up. don’t think that the hubby would brush you aside if you say anything. if he does, repeat your concerns and show that you mean it. be a parrot. someday, somehow, the drilling will get in to him. if you want something real bad, you gotta show it and express yourself. he’s really a nice guy and im sure he loves you loads, maybe he just doesnt know how to express himself instead. maybe, he chooses to show it over the kids thinking that a warm family will be what makes you tick. he’s just the type that feels that he should provides (monetarily) and that would make his wife happy. if that’s not what you want, you just gotta tell him.

meanwhile, the hubby says he is going to turn counsellor to her husband. 🙂