why?

i’m a little disappointed that unpolished_gem is not online by the time i logged onto the net. i needed someone to talk to. its sad. but its ok. she had a long day. like me.

im upset. im so sick. i know i whine abt it the whole week. i cant help it.

it’s really a terrible feeling to be sick. and when my eyes are burning like hell, nose dripping with mucus, skin burning from the nose blowing and coughing to the verge of vomitting. it’s aint fun. i cant talk proper. i cant focus my attention. no matter how much sleep i tried to get, how much water i take. it’s not getting any better.

and no, i havent seen a doc. im really broke after seeing the doc so many times this month. i know i cant save on that, but im really broke and i still have bills to pay.

i wish wei would care for me more. in times like this, sometimes i cant help but wonder if he really cares at all. he’s out with his friends at this very instance. for the past week, i think he only asked thrice abt how i am feeling. and nothing else. no see doc, no nothing.

i was at a friend’s place a while earlier. he knew. and he didnt offer to come fetch me home even after i told him that i dunno how on earth i can go home from there. except for cab. and oh, the fact that i was very sick. he agreed on the hard to get home part. and said nothing else. the conversation lasted less than a minute. he didnt asked if i got better. he didnt shower me with any nice words. nothing.

and i start wondering if his friends are much much more important than me.

i am so sore.

how do one ever bridge the gap of expectation, obligation and commitment? im lost. when he’s sick. i go out and think of ways to make him feel happier. send him a cute mms to cheer him up. tell him to drink more water. eat more vits. eat this, eat that, sleep well.. bla bla bla. sometimes i even go to the extent of popping over and buying him food. that’s my love for him. my commitment. and i feel obliged to do it for him. as his gf.

but, when im sick. i hardly get the same reaction. he seemed nonchalant most of the time. it doesnt help much when he doesnt call me everyday and we only get to meet once a week. i know i shouldnt be judging him from my guidelines and compare what i’ll do. but, i just trying to say.. i dun feel loved at all.

it’s scary. and it rocks the status quo.

i start wondering. have things always been the same? am i just too good in convincing myself that he loves me in the past? does he really care? does he even give a damn? has it always been a one-sided affair?

sometimes, i really wish i get admitted into a hospital and see how fast he’ll appear by my bed. i’m serious.

this is why, i DONT WANT TO BE THE INDEPENDENT GIRL!

afterall, im still a human. im still A girl. i want to be cared for. i want to be pamperd. especially when im so so so damn sick.

why? why am i feeling the way i am? holding a strong front and telling myself its ok? i dun want to be doing that anymore. why should i even be doing it?

when the world collapse on me, he’s always one of the last few to show me his concern. yet, the ironic thing is he always expects me to be there. at first notice. immediate. does he even feel any commitment to me? is he just taking me for granted?

it’s been 6 years. am i strong or just good in deceiving myself?

i know its unfair for me to say this. but i do not have the courage to face everything myself anymore. i need someone to be there too. for me.

maybe im dwelling too much. but a sick girl without any care from the person she loves will dwell even more. and who can blame me?

i have the sudden thought of smashing up the things in my room. scary.