10 days into the new year.

while everyone was busy making new resolutions and writing about how their christmas and nye was spent, i welcomed the new year not knowing what’s in it for me. The first day of the year had me all shaken up, or rather, the first couple of hours to be exact. if only, i knew exactly what happened. disillusioned i am still, by the incident that happened.

i havent made any resolutions for the new year. i dont remember doing it last year either, so i’m just gonna leave it as it is. but somehow, there are a couple of goals that i want to attain within the year.

first, i want a job change. i know i have been saying this for ages. i havent been lucky with the interviews and this time round, i made plans on a trip to the states. yes, even without a new job. i’d even made the reservation on the air tickets to have my plans go array with a single phone call that left me as confused as i am now.

for those who have been asking me what was the “excitement that i cannot conceal” (my nick on msn), it’s actually getting reservation on SIA to new york and seattle. I was scheduled to fly next month, on the 18th. now, its gone and i havent had the slightest clue if i can get the same air tickets reservation when i try in 2 days time.

so what’s the phone call? it was a call from a might-be future employer to negotiate my pay and telling me 80% chance that i will get the job, but left me clueless after 4 days of wait without any news. superbly annoyed especially since i had to give up the ticket reservations and its the 5th day today. tried calling her back on several attempts but couldnt get her. in any case, no job means im off to the states and i have plans to tender within the week.

my next goal is to save up 10k in cold hard cash. this is an extremely hard feat for me. i had that goal 2 years ago and i couldnt stop myself from spending. it’s also quite a bit of money considering the pay im getting, but somehow, im gonna try with determination this year. besides, its gonna be a lot harder now since im tendering and have no idea when the new job will pop along.

i have been watching jap anime a lot recently in an attempt to brush up on my listening since the listening test this time round is much much harder. im also planning to take on jlpt 4 this dec. there are loads to revise on and study for, so determination is a pre-requisite.

i had to admit, that 2005 wasnt as happy for me compared to the many other years. in the span of 365 days, i have grown sore, more insecure about myself, developed a nasty temper, gotten more skeptical and have began to question my self-worth. somehow, i missed the happy-go-lucky girl i used to be, budding with confidence and dont really give a damn to what people really think abt me. it doesnt really help when i have nasty people leaving me nasty comments on my blog entries, thinking that they are the gods and saintly. criticizing me like they are oh-so-perfect. i dont believe in return their nasty comments with the like, but im writing this in case they are reading.

it is very easy to throw out nasty comments on others, but have you ever thought about the feelings of others? would you be affected by the same comments should someone say the same thing to you? imagine someone having a really bad day at work, only to come home and find nasty comments left for her on her blog. how cool is that if it happened on you? it is really that easy to judge people on what they write and what you see, just from the blog? what abt the person in real? is the blog really a reflection of what the real person is? im not going to say much, but what goes around, comes around. so, beware.

i have also decided that i shant be that “try to be nice to everybody” girl that i tried so hard to be. i mean it’s nice to be nice, but trying to be nice to everyone while they get on my nerves is just something too much for me to handle. it’s kinda making me bottle up all my feelings and explode at the slightest trigger, which is real bad. especially for those whom i blew up on. from now on, i’ll be nice to those i like and those who are nice to me, cos you people deserve it. 🙂

as much as the perfectionist i am within me, i guess i need to learn to accept things or events that are not so perfect. with high expectations, i fall too hard when the expectations aint met, and it angers me just too much which in turn, erodes me of my personality sometimes. i really need to find some direction in this. i always think that giving my best and doing a job perfectly is the best thing one person can ask for in an employee, but im not getting the right feedback and people are just expecting me to anyhow do my work, just so to get on with it? sigh. there are just so much disappointments for me to handle in the past year.

and so, im slowly moving on. in search for a better future, a more confident me and being content with the stuff around me.