5.5.15 – The day you turned 4.

Dear Jerry,

4 years ago, you popped into our lives on this very day. I still remember how big I was, like a big fat whale at 41 weeks, and 0 dilation. I barely could walk from the pain in the pelvic region, with you pressing down on my bone and I toss & turned in bed everyday till the day the doctor said he needs you to come out, pronto. That very night, I was admitted into the hospital, and still bothered to blog about it real time. It was probably the last time I ever blogged about something in real time. 

I so desperately wanted to deliver you naturally, and maybe put some potential risk on your health. On hindsight, maybe that was totally unnecessary. Who was I to know then, as a new mother. All I wanted was to experience birth the natural way. I now know better. 

You are the best Mother’s Day present I have got, arriving just the week before Mother’s Day. Doesn’t even matter that I had to go and cast a vote on the General Elections 2011 on the day I was discharged from the hospital. You made it all the more memorable.

I don’t quite remember how all that 1460 days zoomed past, but I do have very fond memories of the time spent with you when you were a baby. I used to love taking pictures of you sleep, and poking those chubby cheeks of yours. I still love to take pictures of you by the way, but in a very different way. 

I remember a special time with you, as I watched over you like a hawk as you grow up. I remember your first teeth, your first swim, first stand, first climb, first zoo experience, your first steps and looking like a toddler when you are only 11 months walking amok in a shopping mall. You have been the special one that ruled my world for a long while. I’m still that special one that hugs you close all the time.

You made me realise that happiness can come in a different bundle, and that life can be simple and special all the same. You also brought along a whole set of challenges for mummy to tackle, and many delicate relationships to manage. In the past 4 years, you have grown a lot, and mummy have grown alongside with you. Mummy strives to teach you things of the world, but you taught mummy a lot more than I ever knew. I don’t quite know how to articulate all that I have learned from you, but I know I am no longer the same person as I was 4 years ago. I have developed a lot more patience for kids, and I always make it a point to hear your views and reasons before I jump into conclusions. You always have your reasons. Some of them really sound, some not so, but it gives me a peek into your little mind and I love hearing them all the same. 

Mummy may not always make the best decision, but I’ll promise that we’ll go through everything together, whenever we can. Mummy will always be there with big hugs and kisses, and always ready to wipe away your tears. You have grown into such a big kid for me, I sometimes find myself at a loss on what to say. The things you says amuses me to no end, the latest being coming home to me one day and declaring me the government of the house. Where did you learn the meaning of “government” from, I have totally no idea! But it is surprises that like, that makes me want to be a better mum for you. 

I constantly worry about not being able to rise up as a good mother, that I am not apt enough to teach you a lot more. That I am flawed to begin with, and how can I then teach you to be better than me? I still don’t have the answers, but I know I have to try no matter what. Knowing that I am the anchor to your little heart is worth more than all the monies I ever have owned.

You have grown to be quite the good kid and I constantly count my blessings. You don’t always listen all the time, and you always flout the rules about climbing around the house. I know you are just being a kid, so I close my eyes sometimes and let you be what you are, a kid. But I also know you remember the rules and applies them to your little brother, whom you seemed to enjoy bossing around. But hey, do remember to take into consideration his safety and don’t be so rough ok? 

I hope you’ll have a fun childhood and grow up to be a confident, positive kid. Mummy wants to let you grow up in a family filled with security, support and love, the kind that mummy never quite experienced herself and never knew what it is really like. 4 years seems like a really long time, but I know we have many, many more years ahead of us and I am looking forward to them all. 

Just over the long weekend that has passed, Mummy thought about how blessed she is. With a cute kiddo like you who is relatively easy to manage (err, maybe except that hyperactive part but I was a hyper kid too so I know you need your space to exhaust your energies), and often acting like the big brother you should be, guiding your little brother on what not to do. I am very thankful, really. For the family that daddy has built for us, the wonderful moments we get to spend in our little house, for the laughter that ricochets through the house, for the mess that engulfs us sometimes. I really do feel complete. 

I do not wish to give you the best of everything, because I want you to learn that life isn’t perfect and that we don’t always get our way in life. You need to learn that everything needs to be earned, in one way or another. You need to learn how to be independent, to manage your own toys, your own belongings, take care of them and yourself and the people around you. You may be a kid, but you need to start learning all that now. You need to learn how to judge for yourself what is good and what is not. Learn about how to defend yourself or save yourself when you are lost. Remember that mummy told you to stay where you are when you are lost, and not run around. Do not leave with strangers and just keep shouting for mummy till I come round. Just keep fumbling around and you’ll get there somehow. 

I don’t believe in spoiling you, and I hate it when people do. But that itself is a lesson in life to learn. We can’t always control the surroundings, so we have to control ourselves instead. I am working on that, but it’s just me against everyone out there that loves you so much too. How do I exactly try to tell them what I really want for you?  How do I teach you not to take things for granted, demand for toys and presents, but instead appreciate the people out there and that material things don’t really matter however much they thrill us?  I am not sure how exactly, but we’ll take one step at a time. 

I have so much to say, but I don’t think I can regurgitate all of it right now. I just want to thank you for entering my life, and for loving me so much. 

Happy Birthday Jerry. I love you and so much more. Thank you for making me a mum…