So I got it all wrong.

I don’t know if I ever mentioned this before. . But jerry has got this really irritating habit when he sleeps. He likes to climb on top of me, my legs, my butt and just wedge himself at any corner or nook that he can find between my body/arms/legs and all if he is co-sleeping with me.

It’s bloody irritating to me because I cannot sleep with him pressing down on me! At all!

He hasn’t been co-sleeping much with me now that we are staying in our own place, but I sometimes find him on my bed in the mornings. He wakes in the middle of the night and somehow finds himself into our bedroom (and closes the door behind him), climbs onto our bed and wedge himself between the husband and me.

Anyway… last night.. I realised I got it all wrong. All all wrong.

As usual,  Jerome goes to bed without much of a fuss and the husband has been feeling under the weather and requested to sleep early and I let him be. I decided to spend some time with Jerry,  read him a few books (guilty of not doing it as frequently as before we moved here) and just snuggle up with him in his bed because he likes me there.

And then he does his thang again!!! Climbs on me and grabs at my hands..

For some strange reason which I never did in the past.. I asked him…

jerry, why are you doing that?  Mummy can’t sleep you know?

He looked up, peers into my eyes and went.. because I want to hug mummy to sleep….

In that instant I felt like the worst mother ever. How could I never, ever think of that? My mind had instant flashbacks about how he used to do that on a daily basis and I always push him away irritated or flick him gently to the side so that I get my own space to sleep..

Omfg. Omfg. Omfg.

I can’t imagine how despondent he must have felt each time I did that in the past.. and how wrong I could be. The signals that i was sending..

I held him extra tight last night in bed.. and hugged him to bed.. (i fell asleep in his bed the whole night) and i now know better. And thankful that i found out about it now than when it’s too late and he doesn’t tries anymore.

This had to be one of the worst moments in my parenting history. How could I be so blind?

a sleeping jerry choo

I’m so sorry, son. Mummy loves you.

p.s. i wrote this post a few days back, so technically last night wasn’t really last night, but till today, i am still feeling like shit and trying to play make up. Am I alone in this motherhood journey where i am constantly feeling like i haven’t done my best with many “i should have..“? I feel so inadequate as a mother at times, and i know i should stop feeling this way, let it go (no pun intended frozen fans), move on and literally just let each experience better me as a mum. But thinking of the right thing is easy… executing it is hard, especially when there is a complex web of emotions all wrapped around.