I have been quiet on this space. A lot more quieter than I would like actually. These days, a lot of thought go through my mind. Some of which I have solutions for, some of which, I am completely helpless at.

I think I am very good at doing one thing – just grit my teeth and just trudging on.

The time doesn’t wait, and people just need to survive. Even though I am tired, the clock still ticks away. Even though I am sick from the lack of the sleep, the kids still need to eat/drink and interact with me. Even though I came home late and haven’t had my dinner, I still had to ensure I put them into bed.

Jerry & Jerome, watching the fishes in the dark

Jerry & Jerome, watching the fishes in the dark

This was last night this morning. The kids is still refusing to sleep after me trying to put them into bed for 2 hours. They each drank at least 2 bottles of milk, they rolled in bed. They played catching in the dark. They were scolded, they were spanked, they were separated into different bedrooms, they were crying one minute and laughing the next. They are obviously enjoying the company of each other, but the time was not right? My tempers flared, it is not pretty, and I just came home from work, have not bathed, have not eaten, and still troubleshooting work close to midnight.

What do I do? What CAN I do?

I was only short of giving them sleeping pills, which the household doesn’t have (and obviously, this is a metaphor statement so don’t take me seriously). The husband and me both hung around, both frustrated. He fuming, me with a chock-full of emotion ranging from gratitude (the kids wanting to play together), anger (at both the husband and the kids), helplessness (can the kids please sleep??), and doubting (had this happened if I came home from work earlier and spent time with them?).

I left them alone for a while in the dark and that happened. Watching fishes together. Right at that moment, I just wanted to capture them doing it, because it is a moment that I wanted to remember. That they shared this moment in the dark watching fishes together even though their parents are behind them, angry with them for not sleeping.

I don’t remember how the kids eventually slept. I remember it being a mental game – mentally fighting off my fatigue and trying to out-last them.

This morning, I don’t even remember that I haven’t eaten when the husband reminded me of the food in the fridge when he left the house. You see, I just go with the flow and just survive.

We don’t have a live-in help. When things get out of routine, its mayhem for me.

I constantly question myself if I am a good enough parent. I constantly ask myself if what I am doing is right. Am I doing the best I can to raise good kids? Can I do more to make them listen to me?

I don’t have the answers. I wished I had so that I can share, but I don’t. I just keep telling myself… kids are just kids. They will outgrow this phase soon and I should just chill and no point being angry with them.

As a kid, I just want to have fun so I am guessing they are probably the same. Sigh. Parenting is the hardest challenge that I ever set myself for, but don’t get me wrong. I love my kids to bits, and I have had so much joy with them around, but that just doesn’t mean that it is not challenging for me to be a parent.

Do you have the same thoughts as me sometimes? Do you often think you are a sub-par parent? I’m happy to hear your thoughts and feelings. Do leave me a comment and share. I believe I am not alone.

If you enjoyed reading this post/blog, could I ask if you could show some love to our facebook page and like us too? We have a lot more daily posts there!